when the feeling is gone

There are days when I feel so close to God.  It seems that I'm madly in love with Him.  Every single cell in my body is happy (sounds like a line in a song?!). It's like I'm holding hands with Him and feeling His warm hugs.  I can't get Him out of my head. Everywhere I go I feel His presence and I see Him in every little thing happening in my life.  But there are days when it seems that the feeling is gone.  I'm feeling blank.  I don't feel His presence...  I believe this is a time when God chooses to be silent.  Feelings should not be the basis.  As the Bible says, "the heart is deceitful above all things..."  We cannot trust our feelings.  It should not be the foundation.  Though I'm quite inexperienced in the matter of love, I've learned so far that love is a mixture of mind and heart.  When I don't feel loved by God, I just go back to His love letters to me found in His Word - The Bible.  "...the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."  "Heaven and earth will fade but His word will still remain."  I will trust in His unfailing love...though I don't feel His presence, though He seems so far away, though I don't feel His warm hugs.  God always pursues us with His love, He is always the iniatiator.  Maybe He just wants us to pursue Him with our love but come to think of it, He is also the one giving us the feeling to love Him and pursue Him.  O, what a loving God He is!  So when the feeling is gone I would just remind myself...Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so... :)

zaijian?

I am thankful that my mom is always there to care and fix things for us.  Lately, she made an inventory of our shoes, patiently labeling each shoe box with the corresponding shoes inside.  (Hehehe, sometimes we kids are always dependent to our parents...hay, it's difficult to raise kids these days.Ü) I have several old shoes that need repair.  We are sort of sentimental people - don't want to let go of the things that have sentimental value to us.  I remembered a time when I shed a tear or two for my broken watch.  (So babaw of me, huh?  Crying for an inanimate object.  We used to cry for our dead pet dog and fish too.  Hehehe.)  She brought all my shoes that have to be repaired to a shoe shop.  God is good and all of my shoes were neatly repaired - good as new!  (You see, I wear size 3 of rubber shoes, kids size in leather shoes, one size smaller than the smallest size displayed in the ladies' section of shoe shelves.)  I really treasure my shoes.  But it seems that God is giving me some 'heart check-up' from time to time to see if I'm loving my possessions more than I love Him whenever something was broken.  I have this attitude of being 'loyal' even to things, 'stick to one' habit.  I will not let go of the thing until it is broken or if it was broken, I will have it repaired and then use it again.  It's hard for me to say goodbye and to let go of things, more so of people.  I just thought of God...I thank Him for being so loyal...I guess "faithful" is more appropriate word to use.  He's so faithful even if I'm broken...need some repair...prone to fail...always unfaithful.  He never let me go.  I remembered a line in Philip Yancey's Reaching for the Invisible God that says, "Some things are loved because they are worthy; some things are worthy because they are loved."  How beautiful is God's unfailing love towards me.  Can't understand how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.  God is always mindful of me.  Thank you God for loving me.  I'm just amazed. :)

 

Praise You God of earth and sky

How beautiful is Your unfailing love

Unfailing love

And You never change, God, You remain

The Holy One, my unfailing love

Unfailing love

 

 

tine decides to live

I am looking for my heart.

What makes you come alive?  What stirs your heart?

...in the heart of every man is a desparate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.

Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for.  Every woman also wants an adventure to share.  And finally, every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive because what the world needs are men who have come alive.

-- John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

 

I feel like my life is in some kind of a routine lately.  I am getting bored.  I just don't know.

Last Saturday on my way home after a church activity, I did something unusual to break the routine.  I preferred a certain route on my way home - sort of a shortcut because I'm avoiding the heavy traffic in the main road.  But that day there was no jeep on that particular route.  There were tricycles but those have another route.  Armed with my umbrella (it's drizzling that time), I decided to walk.  It's quite a distance but I enjoyed my walking.  The chorus of Chris Tomlin's Unfailing Love kept on playing in my mind...Praise You God of earth and sky, How beautiful is Your unfailing love, Unfailing love, And You never change, God, You remain, The Holy One my unfailing love, Unfailing love.  When there was no one around I stole those moments to blurt out in singing.  Good thing the rain didn't pour hard. :)  I walked for about 15 minutes.  I had a chance to reflect while walking.  You can feel God's presence everywhere if you will just be aware of it.  That night till the first few hours the following day (Sunday), I had a great time alone with God.  In my reflective mood I browsed over my old books.  Then I stumbled on those words by John Eldredge...I am looking for my heart.  It seems to put into words the thing I'm feeling for quite some time now.  There are still some things I have to settle with God.  But God is really faithful when He said, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you."  God's message preached by our American pastor yesterday was entitled "Getting Centered".  What a timing!  God is indeed speaking to me.  We usually end our Sunday Worship service with a fast song but yesterday our pastor wanted it to end in a meditative slow song..."Heart of Worship".  It's one of my favorites but its lyrics have come alive especially the lines...Longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless Your heart...I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.  Since it's a matter of the heart I find the words of another song as my prayer...Purify my heart, cleanse me Lord, I pray, Remove from me all that is standing in the way of Your love.

 

I've been looking for a particular book since the beginning of the year.  It's entitled, "A Chance to Die".  It was out of print based from one source that I've asked before.  I was about to give up my search for the book when God made a way for me to find a bookstore that has a lower price for special order of that book.  I don't usually buy expensive books.  It's been over a month now since I inquired about the book.  The bookstore personnel told me then that it depends on the availability of the book in the market.  So it was still not so sure.  Thank God, after more than a month's time of waiting, I was able to hold the book yesterday (though there was a little price adjustment).  I'm fascinated by real life heroes, history-makers and people who made a difference in this world.  I'm also hoping this life of mine will count.

 

Jesus, I decide to live...live a life that shouts Your fame.

I Love To Love You Lord

I love to say how much I love You

The longing of my heart is to please You

Lord I'm not here to complain about my many problems

By Your Spirit and Your grace

I'm confident You'll solve them

 

I'm here to say I love You

I'm here to say I adore You

I'm here to say I love You

I love to love You Lord

 

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A song sung by Ron Kenoly's two sons in his album Welcome Home.  I found myself singing the song while I'm on my way to work this morning.  In my mind, I am really thinking on ways how to serve God more.  Then I read this statement from Bruce Wilkinson's Secrets of the Vine - "God didn't want me to do more FOR Him.  He wanted me to be more WITH Him."  It's time to re-focus my thinking...

wake up call

God is really good! He is giving me wake up calls just in time. Last night, I received a wake up call from God. After a church event, I had a slight headache. But then the level of pain was rapidly increasing while I was on my way home. I experienced the worst of all headaches I’ve ever had in my life so far. I can’t bear the pain. I thought God was calling me home na. Well, God saw me through the night. God gave me a good sleep. I was able to go to office today. I was able to write this blog entry now... Anyway, I think God was just getting my attention. It seems that I’m just lax these past few days…just going with the flow of life. I think God was just reminding me on what should be the priorities of my life. God, thank you for the wake up call. I’m awake na po. I hope You will never get tired of waking me up. :)

meron pa kaya? (episode 4)

Galing ako sa mid-week Bible study sa church kagabi. Medyo malakas ang ulan nung pauwi na ako… pero ok lang kasi na-enjoy ko naman ang paglalakad ko papunta sa sakayan ng jeep… singing in the rain and pasipol-sipol pa! Mahaba ang pila sa jeep…so as usual bus ang second option ko… ang dami kasing taong nag-aabang ng masasakyan…salamat sa Diyos at nakasakay ako ng bus kahit nakatayo nga lang.

Naappreciate ko si manong bus driver kasi medyo swabe ang pagdrive nya sa traffic kaya hindi ako masyadong nahirapan kahit nakatayo at maraming tao… Naappreciate ko yung sounds sa bus -- ganda ng sound quality ng speakers... sabi ng kanta sa bus "tell me where it hurts now tell me..." Naisip ko si God, parang sinasabi Nya sa akin na kapag may hurts and cares ako dapat sa kanya ko unang sinasabi. Ang sabi naman ng next song... "cause I love the way you love me..." Song ko naman dapat ito kay God kasi kahit anong kulit ko, reklamador and all, love pa rin Nya ako. To God: "Hay, love mo ko talaga!" (parang sa soft drink commercial ata 'to noh?) Halos kalagitnaan na ng byahe nang bigla kong naalala, "Aba, mukhang hindi ko kaagad naisip kung may gentleman na magpapaupo sa akin." Hindi naman sa hindi na ako umaasa sa ngayon, siguro mas naging appreciative lang ako these days. Kung may magpapaupo, "thank you." Kung wala naman, "thank you pa rin." Parang yung concept ni Philip Yancey na "two handed faith" kay God... hindi sya "if you do this, then..." bagkus katulad ni Job na "though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him."

Nakakatuwa si God, inaliw Nya ako at maraming pinaalala sa akin habang traffic. Nasa jeep naman na ako, hindi masyadong kagandahan ang sound quality ng speakers ni manong pero ayos lang... sabi sa kanta... "I found a masterpiece in you, a work of art that's true, and I treasure you my love..." Naalala ko yung tinuro sa Bible study, ang sabi... "workmanship" (Eph. 2:10) is poiema, a Greek word where we derived our English word "poem"... For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works... wow! I'm like a "poem" pala kay God, a masterpiece. Somewhere sa Bible sinabi rin na "we are God's treasured possession..." Medyo traffic na naman habang nakasakay ako sa jeep pero thank God kasi may pinaalala ulit sya sa akin. Nakita ko ang sarili ko dun sa batang babae na nakakandong sa lap ng Daddy nya na nakaupo halos sa tapat ko. Medyo may konting tantrums ang bata (kasi nga gabi na siguro, inaantok na yung bata at medyo mainit sa loob ng jeep, medyo siksikan pa sa loob). Kahit pinapaypayan na sya ng Daddy nya at parang inuugoy pa, sige pa rin sa pagtantrums. Minsan...ay madalas pala, kahit sobrang care sa akin ni God sige pa rin ako sa pagtantrums, minsan...ay madalas pala, ang tantrums ko ay sa wala namang kadahilanan at kabuluhan.

Pagdating sa terminal ng tricycle sa gate ng village namin, super haba ng pila. Naisip ko..."hanggang dito ba naman...pauwiin nyo naman na ako please..." Naalala kong mag-text sa mama ko kasi nakalimutan ko syang i-update na pauwi na ako). Wow, super na feel ko na love ako ng mom ko at brother ko. Ang sweet kong sioti ay nagvolunteer na sunduin ako sa terminal ng tricycle (actually hinatid na nya ako nung umaga hanggang sa tapat ng office building namin kasi maulan). Nung malapit na kami sa bahay, yung song sa NOW radio ay "Thank You" by The Katinas... What a nice way to end my journey that night... "I just wanna say thank you, Lord, thanks for loving me!" Ayan, dapat talaga thankful pala ako kay God...sa lahat ng mga binibigay at ginagawa nya sa buhay ko... siguro naman hindi na ako magtatanong ulit ng "meron pa kaya?" :)

take it now

A sudden feeling of loneliness enveloped my being.  Amidst the presence of busy people I felt I’m all alone.  Out of nowhere, this feeling is creeping in my heart again.  If I could just do this…if I could just do that…frustrations are coming into the picture.  Could someone hear my heart’s cry right now?  If I could just banish from this side of the planet…  Take it now is all I ask.  Then out of the dark clouds in my mind, I remember some comforting thoughts.  Why should I feel alone and lonely?  “I will not leave you nor forsake you.”  Why am I carrying these sorrows?  “Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows…”  “Cast all your cares on him for he cares for you.”  How could I forget so easily?  Thank you, God…for reminding me on this…for letting me feel you’re near.

Take it now?  I wonder if God is teaching me patience (again?) this time.

book excerpt

In a certain primitive tribe, a boy's rite of passage to manhood consists of spending one dark night alone in the middle of the forest.  Imagine yourself as such a boy.  You had never been separated from your people before.  You are now exposed to the danger of nocturnal predators.  You jump at every rustle and every growl that intrudes into the pitch-dark night.  If there is a sense of helpless desolation, this is it.  Needless to say, you can't sleep.  Rather, you keep gazing at the sky, longing for dawn to come.

 

As the dark gives way to the gentle haze of sunrise, you are surprised.  There, some distance away, is your father, with weapons in his hand.  All the previous night, he was really there with you.  You did not know nor feel his presence, but he has been protecting you in case some nocturnal predator did come along.

 

What a powerful illustration of our Good Shepherd!  "Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."  Yes, there is the darkness.  We taste the desolation of the soul.  Hopelessness stares at us in the face.  But during the night, Jesus is there: watching, protecting, providing, loving.

 

After all, did He not pay a terrible price for you?  It is inconceivable that He would suffer the Cross, only to abandon you in the darkness.  Then in His own time, He commands the sunrise to come.  Taking you hand, He finally takes you out of the darkness, the same way He restored sight to the blind or brought Lazarus out of the tomb.

 

The long night is but a memory.  But Son-rise has come.

 

From "Treasures In The Darkness" chapter of Nelson Dy's Finding Comfort (Makati, Philippines: Church Strengthening Ministry Inc., 2004), 177-178.

 

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Amazed.  Awestruck.  Grateful.

What a powerful illustration of our Good Shepherd indeed!

I've been hearing about the phrase "because they were like sheep without a shepherd" for several weeks already in our ministry training. (ref. Mark 6:34)

Everyday they pass me by...I can see it in their eyes...Empty people filled with care...Headed who knows where?

People need the Lord.

 

O Lord, please give me compassion to share to those people that You are the Good Shepherd.

Someone like You

How could Someone like You love someone like me?  I always fail.  I'm no good.  I'm a sinner.

Your love is so amazing.  You loved me as I am.  You loved me with all Your heart.  You even laid down Your life for me.

Someone like You has set me free.  You picked me up, washed me with Your precious blood and let me soar on high.

You are always mindful of me.  You know me inside out, even my hairs were numbered.  You watch over my coming and going.  You know when I sit and when I rise.

Though my heart is prone to wander yet You love me still.  Your stubborn love pursues me all the time.

Where can I go?  Where can I hide from Your love?  You are always there.

How could I go on without You?  I can't do anything on my own.

I want to love you more.

Why would I love any other?

Mabuti Pa Sila

May mga pagkakataon na naiisip ko 'to paminsan-minsan. 

 

Mabuti pa sila... may ganito, may ganoon, blah blah blah... minsan may gana pa akong magtanong sa Diyos bakit ako wala nito, wala nun, blah blah blah... bakit ang tagal ng mga sagot Nya sa mga panalangin ko na parang obligado ang Diyos sagutin lahat ng mga tanong ko...

Minsan nga may panahon pa na nayayamot, nagtatampo, nagmamaktol, nagdadabog...

Kagabi pinaintindi sa akin ng Diyos na hindi makakabuti sa akin ang mag-isip ng ganito kahit paminsan-minsan lang.  Pinaalala Nya sa akin na maging mapagpasalamat sa lahat ng pagkakataon, sa maliit man o malaking bagay, sa hirap man o ginhawa, naiintindihan ko man o hindi ang mga bagay-bagay.

 

Patawad O aking Diyos kung nakakaligtaan kong magpasalamat sa Iyo...

...salamat po at ako'y humihinga pa, buhay at may lakas

...salamat po sa biyaya na Inyong binibigay bawat araw

...salamat po na ako'y may trabaho

...salamat po sa aking pamilya

...salamat po sa mga kaibigan ko

...salamat po sa magandang paglubog ng araw na namalas ko kahapon

...salamat po at ligtas akong nakauwi kagabi

...salamat po at ligtas rin akong nakarating sa opisina

...salamat po sa masarap na tulog

...salamat po sa kakayahang mag-isip at magbasa

...salamat po at nakakalakad ako

...salamat po sa aking pandinig at naririnig ko ang mga tinig ng tao at magagandang musika

...salamat po sa aking mga kamay at marami akong bagay na maaaring magawa

...salamat po sa aking mga damit at sapatos

...salamat po sa maayos kong kalusugan

...salamat po sa dagdag na taon sa aking buhay na Iyong ipinagkaloob

...salamat po sa mga problema at natututo ako

...salamat po sa mga pagkain na Iyong binibigay araw-araw

...salamat po sa kakayahang matukoy ang iba't ibang kulay

...salamat po sa walang hanggang pag-ibig Mo sa akin

...salamat po sa Iyong anak na si Hesus na nagbuwis ng buhay para ako'y maligtas sa aking mga kasalanan

...salamat po sa lahat...

 

Makakalimutin lang pala ako sa mga bagay na binibigay at nagawa na ng Diyos para sa akin.  Maraming bagay pala akong dapat ipagpasalamat.

Dapat kong tandaan palagi na magpasalamat sa lahat ng oras.

O aking Diyos pwede pong humiling?  Ipaalala Nyo po sa akin na maging mapagpasalamat lagi. :)

 

 

point of no return

This phrase crossed my mind while I was crossing the street last Saturday. I was thinking that life has points of no return though in some instances people tried to make a 180-degree turn. Some of my thoughts on points of no return...

...when I say something that hurts other people's feelings (all I could do is ask for forgiveness but the damage has been done already)

...when I will say "I do" at the altar someday (therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate)

...when I committed my dear life to my Redeemer, Savior and Friend (I remember the song "I have decided to follow Jesus…no turning back, no turning back…”)